So It Begins

New dad and new Koalid

The Koalid was born last Thursday, and now it is time to find out if all that stuff I've been chattering about for the past 9 months has any bearing to reality.

It has taken almost a week to get this post up because...well...I have this new baby keeping me very busy.

Pride and Joy
First, let me talk a moment about the expectations I was led to by others. If you read the writings of fathers, they will say that having a baby changed their life and their outlook on the world. They will tell you that as soon as they looked upon the faces of their beautiful, perfect children, nothing would ever be the same. They saw that baby as the most beautiful thing in the world and felt a swell of pride.

Yeah. Didn't get that.

Let me be clear before I go on that I love my daughter and will do anything to raise her as a happy, healthy person. She is my greatest priority.

I'm not a baby person. I don't generally think pictures of babies are cute. I get more of a rise out of holding a cat than someone else's baby. However, I was thinking perhaps that the fact that she is mine would make be respond differently. When she came out, I looked at her and observed that she was a funny looking, red, squirmy thing. I knew that she was my funny looking, red, squirmy thing, and that I would do anything for her, but there was no great swell of pride, no angels sang, no lights shone down from heaven.

Many men speak of a feeling of pride and virility. "I made this beautiful thing!" they proclaim. Maybe I'm less sentimental or just more rational, but I feel no great sense of accomplishment at having made a baby. Maybe it's that I spend the previous 18 years very diligently not making a baby that made it unexciting. I simply stopped doing the things I'd been doing to not make a baby, and made a baby.

Meet Amy, my amazing and beautiful wife who is really the
one who should feel proud of this amazing child.

I am proud of Amy for doing everything for 9 months to make a healthy, beautiful, perfect, 9/10 on the APGAR baby. She did all the hard work. She took care of herself to take care of the Koalid, and she is the one who can really be credited for the Koalid's perfection.

Reading the Baby
As we approached having a baby, I was doing research and also plumbing the depths of my personal experience and instincts. All these things told me that, while the baby fundamentally has very few indicators, I should be able to determine what that limited data stream is telling me. My theory was that I should rarely have a situation of an upset baby and the frustration of not knowing what the baby wants as long as I am open minded and engaged with the Koalid.

When the baby came out, and after all the weights and measures, she was swaddled and handed to me. Once she calmed down from the shock of birth, she began to give rooting signs, the signs that a baby wishes to feed. I was very proud that I was able to recognize them, and I immediately knew: this baby wants to nurse! I'm a genius!

Baby's first hockey stick.

I was also powerless to do anything about it because she was delivered C-section, and it took about 90 minutes for the nurses to deal with some routine complications and get Amy to the point where she was able to nurse the baby.

Over the following week, I have continued to feel fairly confident that I could read the Koalid's cues.

Feeding the Baby
I expected that I might have many challenges. I was concerned about being able to change diapers (not a problem, as it turns out, see below). I was worried that we would never be able to sleep.

One thing I was not worried about was feeding the baby. That seemed pretty simple. Put nipple (breast or bottle) into mouth, wait, burp. Then, we discovered certain things: mom's milk does not come in as soon as baby does. (That's why babies are born pudgy, do hold them over until mom can feed them.) Also, when baby first breast feeds, it hurts quite considerably. So, I'm sure that once Amy gets used to feeding, it will be as simple as put breast in mouth, but in the meantime it has been a logistical challenge of breast feeding, breast pumping, and supplementary formula.

Diapers
I am a diaper ninja. I had only ever put two diapers on prior to the Koalid being born: one on a friend's baby (hi, Abby) and one on a doll at the Baby Care Class. However, when it came time to diaper the Koalid, all became clear. I joked that I was ready for a baby because I practiced with cats, being about the same size. I thought it was a total joke, but, as it turns out, dealing with a wriggling cat is very similar to dealing with a wriggling baby. You have to be able to anticipate their movements based on awareness of their anatomy and the pre-movements of their body.

I can now anticipate her kicks and have the new diaper on her in seconds. She does not like the process, but she loves the cuddle she gets afterwards, and that is one of the best experiences so far. I pick her up, still crying, and place her against my shoulder. The crying tapers off, and she snuggles in... moments before rooting around trying to figure out why I don't have a breast for her to feed on.

Getting the Koalid started early in the family business.

Being Ready
Everyone said "You're never ready for a baby. It changes everything!" Maybe it's because when I started this process, I decided that I had already done what I set out to do, and now my next great adventure was this child. I adjusted my career plan to work with a child. Last week, I declared that I was ready. Now that she is here, still feel ready. Sure, there are some details to work out: financial details, logistics of who sleeps when and where, things like that. But as for as the Koalid goes, still feeling ready.

Love
As I mentioned before, I didn't get the whole googly eyed reaction. However, as the first week has passed, I have found growing love for this adorable thing. I still think she's a little funny looking now and then, but so are all babies. She does, however, make the most adorable faces...especially when she's pooping.

I love this little Koalid, and I intend to do everything I can do to do right by her.

BabyCon

Now and then, I see a flurry of posts on Facebook about "We're going to the hospital to deliver." "The baby was born." "Yay baby!" Of course, because this is Facebook, the posts come in out of order and over a few days after the event. So, I decided that I'd take a different approach to Facebooking the process: posting as though I were at a convention BabyCon!

Here is the assembled archive of posts for #BabyCon

The comments on this one were very meta, so I felt I should include them in the archive

No, she's not giving the shocker. That is the ring finger down. This is something else.

What is that awesome game that the Koalid is displaying? That's ConCardia. You should check it out. It's awesome!

And there were some rave reviews from out there in Facebook land for BabyCon...

We now return to our regularly scheduled serious and introspective posts... or more cute baby pictures, depending on how the Koalid decides it should go.

Impending Birth: Thinking Back to When I Didn't Know What I Didn't Know

Amy is going to be induced on Thursday because they are concerned about her blood pressure. The baby appears healthy, and we have been given no reason to worry. However, it does mean that the Koalid is coming imminently. Prior to induction, they give a treatment once a day for three days, and, in many women, this treatment itlself jumpstarts labor. The first treatment is tonight, so sometime between tomorrow and Friday it is highly likely I will be a father.

There is a great scene in the 1996 movie Independence Day when David Levinson, played by Jeff Goldblum, is on his way to the alien spacecraft to implant the virus and save the world. The plan is set, everything is committed, and it's the moment of waiting to see if it will all come together. Goldblum starts saying, in his uniquely Goldblum way, "Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What was I thinking?"

This scene has resonated for me a number of times in my life, and especially now. Over the past 9 months, I have researched, read, experienced, and prepared for the arrival of the Koalid. I have thought about how I will raise her, teach her, prepare and protect her. Now she is almost here. I try to recall what I have read, and sometimes my mind comes back to me with "we read something?" I know it's just the jitters that come right before the big moment, but there it is.

When I was 22, I graduated college and opened a game store. I got a little advice here and there, but I really didn't know my ass from my elbow. I didn't know what I didn't know. Most importantly, I didn't know what I couldn't do. In fact, I believed that my lack of knowledge of what wasn't possible was one of my greatest assets, and perhaps I was right. I set out to create a center of community, a resource for geeks. I thought I was setting out to build a successful business, but that's really just what I told myself to justify what I was really trying to do. Ultimately, through the successor organization to that original store, that goal has been realized, going strong, 12 years after its original inception.

However, I have also faced painful, harsh lessons in what I cannot do. I could not make a living running Phoenix Games. In 2010, I arrogantly stepped into the role of breadwinner for two without any background to support the believe I could do this, and I failed. In 2007, I discovered the limits of my powers of visualization as in one year, I closed Phoenix Games, was removed from leadership of the RHPS cast I founded, was ousted from staff of Pi-Con which I created, and ended a 5 year relationship.

I have heard it said that life runs in 7 year cycles, each stage of life approximately 7 years long. Although those stages are different for everyone, the breakdown for me into such increments has been quite robust. 20-26 was a time of unbridled optimism, telling people not to make me look down because as long as I didn't know the cliff wasn't there, I would never fall.

27-33 was the period of rebuilding and learning after I looked down. I did not know where I was going or what I would do for a long time. I tried a few things and learned many things. Much of it was epistemological in itself: learning that many things I thought I knew were mere conceits on my part, as well as learning that during my travels I had managed to, almost without realizing it, amass experience and connections and relationships that could build my life going forward.

This past January, I had the good fortune to work briefly for a man name Howard Greenspan. He built a small online Pokemon store in 1998 into a business doing more than $50 million in revenues last year. At one point, I called him a genius, and he rejected it. He refuses to think of himself as a genius or in any way gifted. He believes that to think of oneself in such terms is to cease to strive and struggle. If you think you are good, you don't work as hard. If you think you are passable, you work harder, and, in so doing, will surpass the one who thinks he is "great" every time.

In 2002, I thought of myself as a genius, and I believed that I would win. As such, I did not fight as hard as I could. I was not focused on what I needed to focus on. In 2007, I thought I was a genius, and I was baffled as to why things fell apart. In 2008, I began to learn that being a genius is good for getting Mensa membership and solving Sudoku puzzles. In 2014, I finally put it together that genius is a tool, like charisma or physical strength or artistic ability, which can be employed by a motivated and properly directed individual to achieve success. However, like a power tool lying on a bench, if genius is not put to use with effort and strategy, it is good for little.

Today, I hope I understand how little I know. I understand that this Koalid will count on me, and that I do not have the luxury of indulging in conceit. Very soon, I will be called upon to us everything I have learned and done to raise her to give her the best life I possibly can. This means using everything at my disposal to build my business so as to support and educate her as well as using everything I have to care for her, teach her, love her, and raise her right.

She's coming, and I'm ready.

To Those Who Would Try to Hook Up With My Daughter

This morning, I saw a link to an article on the pick up artist web site Return Of Kings. The article was about picking up women at an anime convention. It was, as most things on that site are, disgusting and offensive. It was also just plain bad advice, more effective for being banned from an event than for achieving an objective.

It got me thinking, as such things do, of the Koalid. Sometime around 2032 or so, she'll be coming into the world of relationships. Some of these might be more serious and others might be more... ephemeral. Most men, of course, thinking of their little girl with those beasts who call themselves men grit their teeth in rage. Many explain this reaction by saying "I used to be a young man, and I know what they do and what they want."

However, the world of 2030 will not be like the world of 1930. Our society is open, permissive. People explore their sexuality, find what they like, and engage in it. I have no doubt that she will explore in the same way I did, the same way her mother did, the same way most of my readers did. All I want is that this exploration be safe and that those with whom she engages in it are respectful.

So, to the men who might like to hook up with my daughter (in the future, she's a bit young now, that's creepy)...

So, you are interested in my daughter for prurient reasons. That is entirely understandable. I know that she is beautiful, because she is the offspring of myself and her mother. I know she carries herself well, is funny, intelligent, and dresses well (that's her mother's doing). But, being a young man, perhaps there is only one thing you are interested in out of the panoply of wonderful traits that comprise her. Well, then I ask you, are you honest with her or are you manipulating her emotions? Are you respectful? Do you see her as a person with needs, wants, and desires or do you see her as a thing to satisfy your wants? Do you respect her boundaries?

If you are honest, if you are respectful, if you are gentile and gentlemanly, and she chooses to engage in activities with you, then you have nothing to fear from me. I am her to teach her, to love her, to support her, and to guide her, but not to interfere or judge. I do not want her to have to hide what she does from me, because if she does, how can I be there to advise and guide her? She makes her choices, and you are a very lucky man if she chooses you, even for a casual engagement.

However, if you are a pick up artist, if you see women as objects to satisfy your lust, if you manipulate her, trick her, or otherwise disrespect her, then, son, you and I are in conflict. You will come to understand what the stereotypical angry father. I do not make her hide things from me, so I will find out about you. I would not lay a hand on you. That is not my way. However, you would come to know that actions have consequences in ways that only a creative mind can devise.

Let us take one brief step to consider the unthinkable. If you force yourself on her, then you need only consider two questions: how fast can you run and how deep a hole can you find to hide in?

But, enough of this tough talk. You're not going have to worry about running and hiding in holes because you will treat her right. Whether you are angling for a lifetime together or a night together, you will be honest, respectful, and gentlemanly, won't you? Good, glad to hear it.

Be safe. Have fun. If you hurt her, I'll kill you.

A Father's Love

I read this article this morning about a man who died protecting his daughter during a tornado, and it got me thinking. When I read stories in the media that involve young women, my perspective has changed from that of peer to father. When I read a story of a girl who is hurt, such as the story of the teen who stabbed a girl in Milford, previously, my natural perspective would have been that of a fellow student, but now I identify with the father of the girl.

You want to get to her, tornado? You've got to get through
me first!

When I read the article about the man who protected his daughter from the tornado, I think, "I would do that without a second thought because I love my daughter." But I've never met my daughter, which brings an interesting perspective.

I am no stranger to love in the romantic sense, but that is a conditional form of love, based on personality, behavior, appearance, etc. A father's love, I am finding, is an unconditional love. I don't know what the Koalid looks like (or will look like), what her personality is like or anything about her, other than the fact that she seems to have a heart and at least most of the bones she is supposed to have. Yet, I am already willing to put myself between a tornado and her to keep her safe if it came to that.

Obviously, this is an adaptive trait. We are hardwired to love and protect our children. They are our genetic and memetic legacy. This makes it all the more mind blowing when I think of men who abuse, neglect, or abandon their children. How damaged must someone be to overcome the natural love that a child invokes.

There is definitely an ethos is our current culture which, while encouraging people to get in touch with every weakness and sadness within them, teaches us to deny our instincts and the joy that the natural world brings us. In fact, many non-parents reading this, if they have gotten this far, will grumble about this over sentimentality that I am expressing here.

This article from the Huffpost blog captures it well. It is called 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (That I Discovered After I Had One). Of course, many of her reasons would be obviated by being a better parent. For example: 29-31 are: "You prefer your iPhone screen to be smudge-free. You prefer your iPhone screen to be free of any kind of stickiness. You care about your iPhone or iPad at all." Touch screen devices, especially games, are inherently addictive by design. Why would you allow a small child to use them?

96 and 97 are "You feel negotiations should only occur between adults." and "You think bribery is unethical and has led to the downfall of many societies." Bribery is unethical, and I will not engage in it. It teaches improper lessons and sets bad habits. I will negotiate, but only on those topics which are negotiable.

If Ms. Joshi's list rings true for you, don't have children. You are not ready for the incredible joy which for which I am preparing. Don't worry. You'll understand when you're older.

Raising a Child in a Declining America

America is a great and mighty nation, and it stands for wonderful things like liberty and opportunity. America today is not as great as it was in the past and it is greater than it will be in the future. That's decline.

This is not to say that we should all dig bomb shelters and stock canned goods. We aren't on the way to some lawless social collapse. Great Britain declined in the 1800s and went from an empire on which the sun never set in 1770 to America's much loved, goofy cousin in 1990 (and is on their way to surpassing us once again today). England is certainly not a bad place to be, but their time on top of the world has well passed.

An article in today's New York Times explains that the American middle class is no longer the most affluent in the world. The Europeans and the Canadians are surpassing us. We can no longer take it for granted that our economy will grow for everyone and that each generation will do better than the one before.

Such decline is natural in the way of nations. The things that make a nation great also lay the groundwork for decline. Accumulation of wealth and power creates an environment in which the ambitious seek to accumulate more and more for themselves. The stability of the society removes the existential need to put the national interest above your own. 100 years ago, although there were still greedy, shady people in America, there was the need to keep the big picture in mind. The world was a scary place full of potential enemies who could do far more than destroy a building or two. Today, no two other countries together could challenge us militarily and this perception of security allows certain people to put themselves ahead of the national interest.

This is simple a fact and one that should be considered. The Koalid will be born in three months That is also a fact.

A lot of people facing those two facts might despair. Woe are we, the Koalid will not have the opportunities I had. Boo hoo.

In the poorest places, there are people at the top doing well. In the richest places, there are people at the bottom doing poorly. There is opportunity everywhere, especially in America, and even in declining America.

In America, education is getting worse and worse as a certain e-card I recently saw online laments. Some parents would despair that their children will be ill-prepared. I see this situation and determine to make sure that the Koalid is educated in all ways, with academic as well as social and business skills.

Real wages for American working people have declined. No longer can a young person just go to the local factory and get a good job that will support their family to retirement. Well, I guess that means the Koalid will not be working at a factory. She will, however, due to her education and preparation be ready to face whatever is in front of a young person in 2032, to identify the opportunities which exist and to seize them.

A nation in which we have lost the spirit of exploration and innovation is not ideal, but for a young person who has been raised to preserve the entrepreneurial instinct, it is a land full of opportunity. The next 100 years in America will be rough on the average person. Thus, it is all the more important that the Koalid is above average. She become so by divine providence (although faith in God will hopefully help her), but by planning and preparation: the same recipe that has lead to success since the dawn of time.

Priorities

I have always been the kind of person who likes to have an overriding purpose. When I ran Phoenix Games, all efforts were directed towards that project. When I worked for American Income Life, that was my primary purpose. So, when the release date for the Koalid was announced, it was clear what my new driving purpose would be.

Phoenix Games, my first offspring:
900 square feet of
amazing community.

Everyone says that everything changes when you have kids, and that you have new priorities, but I see so many parents who can't seem to find time to give the kids the attention they need. While they are a priority, they have to make room around other priorities.

Everything I have focused on previously has had some aspect of improving things for someone. Phoenix Games was built around creating a community that benefited all those associated with it. An incremental benefit for many people.

Now I have the opportunity to make a fantastic, tremendous, total difference for one person. The choices I make, the resources I dedicate, the lessons I teach will mold and create a whole person. Of course, this would now be my near total focus. What other priority could possibly have such potential.

Given this, why doesn't every parent give total dedication to their children? I believe that there are two answers: the first answer is that they still have goals they have not reached and the child must compete with those. I am fortunate to be at a place in life where I have already done many amazing things, and there is nothing that I feel is incomplete. I am ready for the next great priority.

The second answer is that they don't know what to do. They do not know exactly what the goal is in raising a child, and even if they do, they don't know how to get there. Give them too much attention, they could become spoiled or dependent. Drive them for success too much and they could become burnt out and rebel. And the instant feedback is of no use because children often rebel at doing what is best for them.

Beautiful, but not my source of faith in God.

I have a deep faith in God because I see evidence of His work in my life. I don't mean the beauty of the trees and the flowers. I mean coming to a place in life and realizing that entirely without my knowledge or effort, I have been prepared with the tools I would need to meet this challenge for years in advance.

This is one of those cases. Over the past few years, the road of life has pushed me in a way that gave me the skills for my current professional endeavor, providing me knowledge of persuasion, training, and motivation. Fantastic skills for a business consultant. In my work, I help business people to identify and achieve their goals, not mine. Understanding their needs and what they are trying to do, I select my skills that can help them to be successful.

Sound like anything else I'm preparing to do?

I don't know what the Koalid will want to do with her life, but I intend to develop my skills to help her exploit whichever talents she chooses to pursue. What other project could possibly be as engaging as this?