Halloween and the True Meaning of Chrismas

Halloween is my favorite holiday because, to me, it captures the true meaning of Christmas.

Wait, what?

Christmas is supposed to be all about peace and goodwill towards men, generosity, and joy. I don't know what your Christmas is like, but for most people I know, it's about ruinous spending on gifts people don't even want, stress, rush, and bother.

The Koalid prepares to knock on strangers'
doors so they can give her compliments
and gifts of candy.

Halloween, on the other hand, is a holiday about people going out and spending money to decorate their homes and buy gifts of candy that they will then give to every stranger who knocks on their door.

While Christmas is supposed to be a time when we have a sense of peace and see our world as one community, we rarely see that in practice. It has gotten worse lately with the "Culture Wars" and "War on Christmas," as some people militantly declare that Christmas is too much religion for them while others equally militantly declare that Christmas is not religious enough.

Halloween on the other hand is embraced by most people. At least there is no public debate about it. People buy candy and invite anyone to come by. Total strangers knock on the door, say "Trick or Treat," and are given a smile, a complement on their costume, and a gift of candy.

It is the only holiday where we truly give to others with no expectation of reciprocity.

So, if you are looking for the true meaning of Christmas, look a couple months earlier in the calendar, and I believe you'll find it there.

Exhausted

I love the Koalid more than anything in the world, but sometimes she can be exhausting.

Actually, it's not fair to say that she is exhausting. Were I otherwise well rested, happy, and healthy, it would probably be cute. But that is rarely the case. So it's not.

She is most exhausting when she needs a nap herself.

I don't think that what she does is different from what other kids her age do. Impulsively asking for things. Not understanding why she can't have what she wants right now. Failing to grasp why she can't have my attention when I'm talking to someone.

She's actually probably better behaved than many kids. She does understand the concept of being out of line, which is pretty good for a four year old. I always make a point to explain what I tell her to do, so I think she has a greater understanding of why she can't watch certain programs or do certain things. By and large, I don't have to worry about her getting into the trouble that many other kids her age do.

So that's good.

The fact remains that people need quiet time, focused time, me time, in order to maintain mental equilibrium, and it is very difficult to achieve this with a child constantly demanding attention.

Of course, one solution would be to inform her, in no uncertain terms, that I am an adult, she must listen to me, and she should leave me alone. "A child should be seen and not heard," I could say.

When she's good, she's quite good, and she
loves to ham it up for the camera.

That is definitely not the right answer. That leaves the Koalid feeling alienated and discouraged. It teaches her not to advocate for herself or even to speak up. Since one of the most important things in her upbringing is to raise a child into an adult who will speak up for herself and know her worth, and one of the most important things in my life is her proper upbringing, that solution would not serve.

Doing nothing, on the other hand, leaves me without mental and spiritual centering and grounding. It leaves me testy, impatient, and irritable. Not traits that serve me well in trying to lead the Koalid into maturity.

So, like most things in life, the answer is probably somewhere delicately in between. Carving out moments of quiet, time to work and write and think, but also allowing the Koalid to interrupt here and there. If I do this well, she will grow into a child who will understand the right times to interrupt and the times to wait quietly. This offers the great dividend that, not only can I find time to center myself, but that I will have a relationship with the Koalid that will allow us to grow together.

That's the goal at least.

Why I Will Not Go Back to Applebees Anytime Soon

This is an example of what happens when decisions are made
at the corporate level without local feedback.

My family had a particularly unpleasant night at Applebees the tonight. Going out to dinner with a three year old is always an interesting experience, but we can generally manage things and keep The Koalid entertained. This particular trip, that was impossible.

We are trying, with limited success, to limit her screen time, and if we are having dinner together at the table, either at home or at a restaurant, there's no screens. We'll bring toys, crayons, books, anything interactive that we can think of. We are both very busy, and she ends up in front of a screen far too often when we have something we need to do. We're not going to let her spend what little time we do have to spend with her in front of a screen.

Think you can just remove the tablet? Think again! They're
everywhere, and they're staring at you.

This seems like a pretty reasonable policy, we think. Normally, it is relatively simple to enforce, but it becomes more difficult when we walk into a restaurant and there is a bright, shiny, idiot box on every table, facing us as we walk in.

We tried to be clever and stash the tablet before she saw it as we were sitting down, but we were thwarted. Every other table has a table as well, including the kids at the table behind us who were playing with it.

So, our dinner of uninspired, generic and overpriced corporate impressions of Latin and Asian inspired food was punctuated with a constant and unremitting litany of "They're playing games. I want to play games. Why can't I play games? It's not fair."

One might argue that, perhaps this is a problem for us, but for many kids, these devices are helpful to keep them busy when otherwise they'd be unmanageable. I disagree there as well. The table behind us has three kids and one tablet. Care to surmise what we heard before we left? That's right. "It's my turn! I want to play! Let me play!" The whining from the table where they were letting the kids play the games were as loud as they were at ours where we forbade it.

I mentioned it to the waitress, and she agreed that the tablets cause more problems than they solve, but corporate mandates it, so they have to do it.

So, to Applebee's Corporate out in Kansas City, Missouri, you have lost a customer for a long as these devices clutter the tables of your restaurants.

In the spirit of good cheer, I'll be eating somewhere else tomorrow.

On Speaking Up

The other day, the Koalid was playing with an older boy. They seemed to be getting along well. As she was running over to me to leave, she tripped and hurt herself. Nothing serious, but enough to make her quite upset.

In her distress, she told me that she didn't like the boy she'd been playing with. I asked her why and she said that he was scary.

Apparently, the boy was playing teacher and, in the role of teacher, pretended to be angry and yelled at her. I guess he also put her in jail. Maybe that's a thing teachers do. I don't know.

But it was quite upsetting to the Koalid. I asked the Koalid if she had told him that what he was doing was upsetting her, and she said that she hadn't. I asked why she hadn't said anything, since she's certainly not shy about telling me if I do something she doesn't like, but she didn't really know.

I had seen her, on other occasions, tell him that she didn't like something, and he had stopped immediately, so it's likely he would have stopped this behavior as well, but, for whatever reason, she endured it rather than objecting.

The boy in question was 8, and, as far as I can tell, he wasn't doing anything too terrible, since I was watching from about 50 feet away, but he did raise his voice, and I'm sure that the Koalid was quite upset by it.

This raises interesting questions. There's no way that this kid could have known that he was upsetting the Koalid, especially since she did not tell him or respond in any way.

As a father, it made me wonder, why didn't she say anything? And more importantly, how can I teach her to stand up for herself and assert her discomfort in the future. Because when she's older, the thing that a boy is doing to make her uncomfortable may be a little more serious than role playing an angry teacher.

Fathers of daughters often think back to how they were with the girls they cavorted with. Fortunately, I was not so much of a cad as others, but I had my situations where I made someone uncomfortable and did not know it. Had they told me, I certainly would have backed off immediately, but for whatever reason they did not think they could.

So, that gives me some years to figure out how to teach the Koalid to stand up for herself.

To Keep the Koalid Safe

Shana Grice, 19, killed by her ex-boyfriend after the
police turned her away when she asked for help.
Source: The Independent

I read an article this morning that got my blood boiling. Shana Grice had an ex-boyfriend who was stalking her and she went to police for help. The police did not help her and eventually fined her for wasting their time. The ex-boyfriend Michael Lane ultimately killed her by slitting her throat.

I've had pretty strong feelings about men who harm women for my entire life. Maybe it's a bit of a "white knight" mindset, or just the natural reaction that a gentleman has to the idea of a man harming a woman. However, since the Koalid has come along, that natural instinct has been greatly enhanced because every woman I read about I see as someone's daughter.

Then I had some more nuanced thoughts. In my previous post, I talked about the overblown fears of "stranger danger." Humans are notoriously bad at accurately assessing risk. Parents will keep their children inside because of the fear of some imaginary predatory, but those same parents 10 years later will not be there for their daughters (and sometimes sons) when they face the real dangers of domestic violence and abuse.

So, what would I do if the Koalid came to me and told me that a man was stalking or threatening her? The first part of my answer starts long before the event occurs. It starts when I lay the groundwork, creating a relationship where she will feel comfortable coming to me with these kinds of problems. Shana Grice was 19. The article doesn't say, but it's possible that she didn't go to her parents for help because shew as trying to assert her independence. I want to do everything I can to make sure the Koalid will come to me with this and anything else that worries her.

I will do this by not being judgmental when she confides in me. If she tells me about a boy she's dating and I don't think he's a good one, the right answer is not to say "he's a bum, get rid of him." It's to be happy that she is happy, remain vigilant, and keep the lines of communication open.

That was a nice bit of self congratulatory throat clearing before I get to the answer to the hard question of what I would do if she told me that she felt threatened and the police would not help. Of course, my first, visceral response is that I'd go find this asshole and break his fucking legs. Mind you, I have not raised a hand in anger since I was 6 years old, but I think I could figure out how to do it I needed to do protect the Koalid.

Possibly not the best solution.

But is that the right thing to do? There's legal concerns. There's moral concerns. So, maybe the fucking legs should remain unbroken, but I do feel that it is important to know the extent to which I would go, and that is as far as I have to. If I need to stay up all night in her living room to make sure he doesn't break in, I'd absolutely do that. If we need to move across the country to keep her safe, I'd do it without a second thought. I'd even go silent online (the greatest sacrifice of all for someone like me) if that would keep her safe.

Perhaps it would not be necessary to go that far, however. You see, I know the state of mind that can lead a person to behave like Mr. Lane in the story above. I'm proud to say I've never stalked anyone, but I know what it is like to have that hole in your heart; to feel that nothing else will ever matter again except being with this one person again and that your life is over. In that mindset, an individual with a weak moral center can find themselves doing things that they would not do normally.

So, rather than tracking the guy down and breaking his fucking legs, it might be better to track him down and have a chat. Not a "I'll be here cleaning my gun" chat, but an honest man to man chat. The kind of desperation that can lead a person to homicide is similar to that which can lead to suicide, and the solution can be similar. Sometimes a single kind voice reaching out can pull a person back from the edge.

Maybe.

Certainly worth a try first. However, when it comes to the safety of the Koalid from a real threat, I would not rest easily. If she told me that she was scared of a guy, I would not say "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" and send her back to her apartment on her own and hope it clears up.

In modern America, we are used to being safe. We don't make the sacrifices that real personal security would require. Even basic things like situational awareness are alien to most people. How often do you see people walking down the street with headphones blasting music, oblivious to all threats around them? If most people won't curtail their music enough to engage in basic personal safety practices, how many people do you think would actually curtail their daily activities for personal safety. It is a difficult mindset shift to realize that you really face a serious enough threat to require a serious response. It's this resistance to accepting the concept of danger that leads a woman who is threatened to remain alone in her apartment rather than stay with friends of family.

The Koalid in her first music video.

As her father, it is my job to think that way. If I need to take time off work to keep an eye on her and keep her safe, there's no question that I'd that. However, there's only so much I can do. This ties in another concept I have spoken about.

The Koalid, even at her young age, is a relatively public figure. She's all over social media. We bring her to conventions. Lot's of people know her. This is not just because I enjoy the spotlight and want to share it with her (although I do), it also ties into matters of personal safety. It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes it takes a village to protect one. I like to believe that, as she grows up in the community of people that surround her, she will know that any number of them would come to her aid if she were threatened.

As she grows up, I will teach her not to be ashamed to ask for help when she needs it, and teach her that she has friends, many friends, who would rush to her aid if she were ever in danger. She has parents who would do anything to keep her safe; extended family who would come running without a second thought; and numerous chosen family among our friends in the fandom/convention/faire circles who I would expect would come running as fast as any family member would.

And, if all else fails, there's always the option of breaking the guy's fucking legs.

Not my first option... but still an option.

Talking to Strangers

I have a different view on strangers than most people do. I think talking to strangers is awesome. Every person we meet is an opportunity, and you never know how you may benefit.

Of course, not everyone thinks this way. May people speak of "Stranger Danger." Children are taught from a young age never to speak to strangers. But is this the right thing to do? Before I talk about kids and strangers, let me talk about my own experience.

A train very much like the one I rode on. Full of strangers.

Strangers on the Train
I was inspired to write this by my experience on the train last night. I travel to and from New York City one day a week, and I travel by train about three hours each way. I almost never speak to anyone on the train because the people I see on the train don't seem too keen to speak, and I'm usually working on my computer (writing the previous blog post for example).

Last night, however, I ended up chatting with both the gentleman sitting next to me and two young women across the aisle. It started when I noticed he was playing what looked like an interesting game on his phone and I asked him what it was. He obligingly stopped the game and exited to find the name so I could play it. (Air Navy Fighters Lite, is the name, by the way, a fun little fighter jet game.)

The two women, it turns out, were from eastern Connecticut like me, and we chatted about this and that. Turns out they were in New York for a hair convention (they work in cosmetology, which is quite different from cosmology, in spite of the similar spelling).

So, we got off the train in New Haven, and I looked up at the upcoming trains. I had left early so I could get back to New London before they closed the roads. Much to my surprise, the 7:11 train only went to Old Saybrook as did the 8:00 train. The next train that would take me all the way to my car was at 9:00, 2 hours later. Fortunately, these two thoughtful ladies were heading that direction and offered to give me a ride, saving me the experience of a 2 hour layover at the train station.

During the course of the drive to New London, we had a lovely conversation. It turned out that one of them was thinking about moving, so I was able to refer her to a good Realtor, in addition to a few other connections I was able to offer. It was a beneficial connection all the way around.

Strangers in my Life

A highway full of strangers, two of whom once pulled over
late at night to help me when my tire blew out.

It got me thinking about my various interactions with strangers over the years. I once picked up a another stranger stopped top help and loaned me his spare tire.
hitchhiker who ended up becoming a customer at my store. When I had a tire blow out on the highway, a stranger pulled over to help me. When the spare blew out 30 miles later,

In fact, as I think about it more, I realize that, while I have had many people do unpleasant things to me, not one stranger has every really done me harm. Any time I've been ripped off, cheated, manipulated, mistreated, or made to lose something I valued, it was at the hands of someone I knew, not a stranger.

The thing is that most people are just good people. Sure, we hear on the news all kinds of horror stories about serial killers and con men and all the rest, and it certainly does happen out there, but the vast majority of people are just people. They are going about their lives, trying to get by, and generally wishing the best for those around them, and the most strangers you interact with, the more you see that. Unfortunately, the converse is true. The less strangers you interact with, the more likely that your opinion of strangers is based on the media.

It is uncommon to encounter a ruffian who wishes to threaten
you with fisticuffs.

Strangers of Ill Will
Perhaps you wish to stop me right here and tell me that you hardly ever interact with strangers, but the one time you did, something bad happened. Here's the thing. People who mean you harm will find a way to do so. Con men and crooks are well practiced at appearing harmless and kind, thus they will seem more harmless and kinder than the average random person, so if you tend to avoid strangers, then the only stranger who would be able to pierce your veil is the one who is trained and practiced at doing so.

Avoiding strangers doesn't keep you safe. It just prevents you from encountering opportunity and experiencing the joy of feeling that you live in a community of mankind.

Strangers All Around
Most people you know were strangers at some point. Unless you somehow manage to only befriend people who come recommended, many of your friends were once strangers, and, for some reason, you let them in. Imagine if you had avoided that first meeting, what would you have missed out on.

Think of the Children
This is a blog about children, or at least one child, so let's talk about strangers and children. The media has created a perception that there are gangs of pedophiles roaming the streets looking for children to abduct. This is, of course, absurd, yet too many parents act as if this is the case.

First, let's look at the facts. Stranger abductions are astoundingly rare. I'm sure I can find more current data, but this article gets the point across.

Only a tiny minority of kidnapped children are taken by strangers. Between 1990 and 1995 the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children handled only 515 stranger abductions, 3.1 percent of its caseload. A 2000 report by the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Programs reported that more than 3/4 of kidnappings were committed by family members or acquaintances of the child. The study also found that children abducted by strangers were harmed less frequently than those taken by acquaintances.

Why is this important? Because if parents believe that their children are constant danger of abduction they make wrong choices based on wrong information. They don't let their kids walk to the playground down the street or play with their friends in the woods.  They teach them a fear of strangers.

Why is that man wearing a hood? What is he up to?
Oh, nevermind, it's raining and he wants to stay dry.

One might think that a little extra precaution is good, but every precaution comes with a cost. Perhaps the child who cannot go to the park stays home and plays video games instead. Exercise and socialization replaced with solitude and inactivity, and as this very blunt rant from 2004 points out, a child is 17 times more likely to commit suicide than be abducted by a stranger.

But it's worse than that. Unless a child is privileged to be born into a well connected family, every opportunity they encounter will come from an interaction with a stranger, and you can't spend 18 years telling a child to avoid strangers and be afraid and suddenly turn around and expect them to know how to interact with strangers and develop contacts in the world.

We are robbing our children of the chance to develop the skills they will need to thrive in a very tumultuous economy in order to protect them from a "danger" that is less prevalent than dying of the flu.

Every precaution has a cost. The Koalid will be taught to be alert to her surroundings. She will be taught self defense. She will be taught to be skeptical of strangers, but not afraid.

Strangers are just friends that you haven't met yet. That is lesson I live by and that is the lesson I shall pass on.

When Did My Friends Get So Old?

When I taught driving, a youthful and energetic client in her 70s commented to me once "when did all my friends get so old?"

Younger, thinner, darker (and longer) haired, running the
first Pi-Con in 2006.

I realized the other day that many of my friends are in their 40s, an age which never struck me as old, but certainly as older than I. Then it hit me that I will see my own 40th birthday before I see the next Summer Olympics. It's one thing to play math games and see that I'll be in my 50s when the Koalid graduates high school, but it's quite another to see my current age and compute that I am very close to the point where I have more years behind than I can expect ahead.

So, what does that mean? 

In some ways, it means nothing at all. Age is just a number. There is no magic age at which I must suddenly start doing things differently.

In other ways it implies various things. I am now old enough that I have seen things that seemed like they must last forever run their course and end. I have learned many things. I have forgotten many things. I have learned what I do not know.

Photo taken on the train as I write this post, looking like
the father of the guy in the other photo.

I have seen that the cycle time for a phase of life is about 5-7 years, which means three such cycles before the Koalid becomes an adult. What does that mean? I ran Phoenix Games for about 5 years. I wandered through various jobs and mismatched relationships for about 6 years. I then met Amy and came to my current phase of life.

It is easy to reach this point of life and think that time is running out, but when you realize that great enterprises can rise and fall in 7 years, there are quite a few 7s left before I run out the clock.

But when do you look at the clock? There are two times. When you want it to run faster and when you want it to run slower. If you are in a boring class or an unproductive meeting, you look at the clock hoping it will go faster. When you are young and long for the freedom of adulthood, you hope it will go faster.

When you look at it wish it will slow is when you feel that not enough has been done with the time that has already passed and you wish for more time to make up progress. So, perhaps this recent awareness of time comes of some sort of dissatisfaction. Do I wish I had done more with my lift to this point? No. I think I have done quite a bit. I do, however, wish I had progressed further: better credit, owning a home, those kinds of things. Of course, it is not too late to achieve those things, but it's certainly later in the game than might be ideal.

Age is, indeed, just a number, just like a FICO score, a bank balance, and the mileage on a car. Not all-defining, but not unimportant either.

Inspired to Write Again

Early Koalid

These days, I work for a company called EZBZ. It's a virtual concierge service that connects users to businesses that they need, and we promote the business by partnership with various partners who have an audience that they want to share our service with them. Through this, I have come into contact with a great variety of mom blogs and moms groups. I have, however, encountered very few dad blogs.

Well, this is a dad blog, and I figured it was time to represent again.

The Koalid Blog is moving into a new intellectual phase. When I was writing before, it was a lot more speculative. Navel gazing and pontificating on what I thought might happen. I think back to my idea of my office being in the Koalid's room, which seemed like a wonderful and sweet concept in imagination, but was an absolute disaster in the event.

The Koalid gets an early start in the
marketing field.

The Koalid is now a toddler. She talks, more or less. She asks for what she wants. She has will and desires. She is coming into being a person, so it's no longer theory. It's now practice. This is what I was waiting for. So many parents I speak to have this longing for when their children were infants. I was told then that I would miss that time, and I believed I would not. In that one case, I was right. This time is better than that time.

When the Koalid was an infant, it was like keeping a pet. Now, I am helping to raise a person. The things I say, the things I do, have clear impact on her and who she is becoming. I can teach her things and she may remember them a week later (or she may completely forget them five minutes later).

Going forward, I'm going to be making a bit more effort to get this blog out there. I think I have a few things to say that are not in the discourse, so why not. After all, it's not like people have strong opinions on parenting or anything. I can't see anything that could go wrong with this.

The Koalid finds my naivete amusing.

A Child Is Like Your Heart Out In the World

I have heard it said that having a child it like taking your heart out of your body and sending it into the world. Suddenly, there is this being that you love more than life itself, and it's out there and small and fragile.

It took me a while before I had this feeling for the Koalid. I don't know if it took a while to sink in or if the helpless, noisy, poop factory just didn't register as human to me yet, but as she started to interact and then talk, I very much fell in love with her.

And that is the right term for it. Neurochemically, the love we feel for a child is that same as for a romantic partner except that it doesn't fade like romantic love does.

Normally things like mass shootings don't affect me personally. For whatever reason, death does not upset me. Even when my grandparents died, it didn't upset me greatly. Death just feels like they are moving on to another place, which is a thing you say to try to comfort someone, but that's what it actually feels like to me.

For some reason Orlando was different. Perhaps it is because I grew up around the LGBT community. More likely because in high school, college, and in my twenties, I was surrounded by the LGBT community, and many of the young women I knew were in that community. I imagine the Koalid growing up to hang out with the geeks and the queers, you know, the cool kids, which means that I can imagine the Koalid being at that club. And that means that I can imagine the 3 AM phone call.

This week, my mother-in-law became ill with pneumonia. She is in the hospital and the treatment is intensive, but she is expected to recover. However, somehow that news crossed up in my sleeping brain, and that night, I had a dream that my wife told me that the Koalid had died. My first thought, in the dream, was that I was going to have to tell everyone, and that they were all going to be very sad.

Tonight, I saw X-Men: Apocalypse. In one of the establishing scenes, Magneto has decided to try to live a normal life with a wife and daughter, but his powers are discovered, and in the course of things, his wife and daughter are killed by a stray arrow, causing him to go back to a life of super-villianery.

I am not normally a fearful person. I have faith that things will turn out as they should, but much of this week, I have had a fear. It's an irrational fear, of course, and I know that. I guess that some people would say they just want to hold their daughter tight and never let go, but I know that is no better. Smothering a child does not keep them safe, merely drives them towards a different kind of danger.

Perhaps it is a fear borne of a complete lack of control. I cannot keep her safe. By the grace of God she will be safe, but if it is His will that she not be, then there is nothing I can do. Such is the way of the world.

However, I very much identified with Magneto. I understand how a parent who loses a child in a bombing becomes "radicalized." If the Koalid were killed by the hand of another, there would be no hole deep enough for them to hide in, no army strong enough to protect them, and no punishment to great to pour my wrath out with.

God willing, these are merely the foolish ramblings come of having a night alone and watching a movie with a disturbing scene. The Koalid will grow strong and healthy, and I shall be here to guide and teach her for many years to come. But I certainly understand a bit more of my humanity tonight.

And So Far to Go Before We Sleep

In today's post, I'm going to get real with you. Being the parent of an infant/toddler has not been a fun experience for me. Some people love babies and, given the choice, would always be raising one. Good for them. That's not me.

Latest child care related
injury.

People keep telling me that I should treasure these moments when she is a baby because I will miss them. They are wrong. I look forward to the day when I can talk to the Koalid, when I can walk with the Koalid, when I can play with the Koalid. That time is not now.

What do you mean? you ask. You can play with a baby.

Kind of. Currently she is interested in banging things against other things and climbing around and going where she is not supposed to go. This means a lot of crawling after her and a lot of moving her back where she is supposed to be. That often makes her cry and scream. It also often causes me pain and discomfort because the process of taking care of her has so far caused sciatica which limits my leg strength and flexibility, and, more recently, a hyper-extended left thumb meaning I cannot lift anything with that hand for a month or two.

We usually have to bring the Koalid to most places that we go
which means that one or both of us don't get to really be a part
the event because the Koalid is really needy.

People tell me that as she learns to talk, she'll learn to say "no". Well, that sounds like an improvement over now when she does not know the word "no", and the only way to stop her from playing with a power outlet or crawling off a staircase or putting a rock in her mouth is to physically rush over and stop her. Sure, she'll start telling me "no", but at least she'll understand it when I say it
to her.

So for now, while there are some enjoyable moments, this phase is mostly an exhausting marathon of late night crying, interrupted sleep, increasing fatigue, frustration, exhaustion, and occasional injury.

Part of the problem is that we are far from our support systems. Neither my family nor Amy's family is close enough to help us. We have very few friends in the area who can watch the Koalid for us. This means that we don't get breaks. We don't get time together. We don't get to recover.

It's a fake, rubber knife, before you worry.
OK, sometimes a tiny baby is fun.

Some parents will admit to being tired and drained from raising an infant/toddler, but most will qualify it with some profession of love for their little bundle of joy. No parent wants to be thought of as not being a loving, ever-patient parent. Well, I do love the Koalid, and I look forward to leading her through all the stages that will bring her to a confident, happy, successful adulthood, but I'll tell you right now that this part of it, at least for me, is not a joyous romp of parental happiness with occasional pit stops of challenge. It is an exhausting and miserable marathon stretching many months into the future with occasional oases of joyful moments which I am mostly too tired to appreciate.

It's okay, it's only another year or so, then perhaps I can get some sleep.

Will I Still Be Good at It When We Get There?

In many of my posts, I have looked forward to what it will be like to be the father of a teenager and various other stages of the development of the Koalid. However, as I spend most nights sleeping poorly, change another diaper, and play another round of "Why Are You Crying Now?", I realize that time is quite a ways away.

The Koalid will be a teenager at 13, according to the grammatical definition. That is about 12 years from now, 2027. 12 years ago was 2003, at which time I was 1 year out of college and just getting started running Phoenix Games. That was so long ago that I am almost a completely different person now than I was then. I live in a different state than I did then. I still speak regularly to very few people who were very close to me then.

Kind of like that. Well, hopefully not.

I have often thought that I would do well in raising a strong, healthy, confident young woman because, quite frankly, I have invested a great deal of time and effort in getting to understand young women. I have been friends with many women who have shared with me a great deal about their upbringing, and this has given me a good grasp of how different aspects and styles of parenting manifest into adulthood.

This was me (on the left) in 2003 with the team that started
Phoenix Games. I am in Facebook contact with two of
these people, and have not seen any of them in over a year.

By the time the Koalid has reached teenage years, these informative relationships will be a decade or more behind me. It makes me wonder if I will still remember then, the things I know now. I believe that I will because most of what I have learned has formed into a broad concept that I retain even as the details that led to it are forgotten. It does make me wonder how many parents understand well what a young person needs when their children are born because they are young at the time, but they age away from their children's experience simply because of the vast length of time it takes for a child to age.

Here comes the future... one day at a time.

They grow up so fast.

Supermoon Eclipse

Source: http://www.diyphotography.net/spactacular-moon-rise-over-la-shows-cool-animation-and-timeslice/#more-33638

Last night was the eclipse of the Supermoon-Harvest Moon. This has not happened since 1982, when I was 2, and will not happen again until 2033, when the Koalid will be 19.

I felt that it was important to bring the Koalid outside to see this rare event. I did not know if she would appreciate it, or if she was even able to lock her little baby eyes onto something as far away and abstract as the Moon, but I still wanted to take her out there.

These kinds of generational events are good to give the sweep of life scope. During the last Supermoon eclipse, I was not much older than the Koalid is now. Reagan was in the Whitehouse. My father had not yet started the business that would be a constant for most of my life. My grandfather, who passed this past year, had not even retired yet.

By the time this happens again, the Koalid will have learned to talk, walk, read, and write. She will have learned math and social skills. She will have helped work an event or two. She will have graduated high school and learned to drive. She may have had a boyfriend or girlfriend or two.

But last night, she was a 14 month old baby, starting to understand that the things we do might have some pattern and mouth noises me make might have some meaning. She was asleep when I took her outside and it took her a few minutes to wake up. I pointed up to the moon, which was mostly eclipsed, and she eventually followed my indication.

Eventually, I sat on the grass with her in my lap. 22 pounds is a lot of baby to hold for too long. She lay in my lap and tiredly turned her head to look up that the spot in the sky that was so interesting to her daddy.

While the Moon was lovely, the camera flash was bright.

Don't Work for Minimum Wage

On my other blog, I recently wrote a piece about the importance of making sure that everyone is properly taken care of from a societal standpoint and why it is bad for all of us if some of us are left behind.

All this could be yours!

This blog is about one specific person. Last year, I wrote an article entitled Raising a Child in Declining America in which I discussed the fact that even with a shrinking pie, there is still the ability of an individual with proper preparation and motivation to secure a fair slice of that pie. In light of current discussions sparked by the Bernie Sanders campaign as well as some personal discussions I've had with people, I'd like to speak a bit about getting off the bottom rung of the ladder individually.

The system in America is fundamentally flawed. Tax, education, and health systems are all malformed to siphon wealth from the bottom to the top. It makes the rich richer and the poor poorer. But that is at the macro level. Indeed we cannot move everyone who is doing minimum wage jobs to better jobs. There are not enough of the better jobs, and the minimum wage jobs need to be done. However, there are enough of the better jobs for one person.

Did you know that there are jobs that pay $40,000 or more that require no education or special skills? Most people working minimum wage would answer "no" to that question. If you do not believe that there is anything better, how could you ever hope to find it. In fact, even if such a job were to find you, you would reject it as being too good to be true because you do not believe such a job can exist.

That's the first challenge that someone in a bad job situation usually has to overcome: belief. If you believe that you can never do better, you will never do better. The Koalid will never be stuck in the minimum wage trap because she will learn from a young age that there is always a way for an individual to get ahead, and that she can be that individual. 

Hopefully, reading this article will move you out of the group of people who do not believe they can do better and into the group of individuals who do try to pull ahead.

Let's talk about a few ways that anyone with gumption can find a better situation.

Sales

Sales is one of the most egalitarian industries because results are so immediately quantifiable. While some sales jobs require previous experience, other sales jobs are open to someone who comes in off the street. These openings exist because the work is not easy and the turnover rate is high. However, it is an excellent place to get good experience and make a decent income without background.

The woman depicted in this stock photo makes over $40,000
per year with only a high school diploma and a driver's license.

The car business is an excellent place to get started because the customers come to you rather than you having to find them. The average car salesman makes between $35,000 and $55,000 with (some) benefits.

There are also companies like American Income Life. It is straight commission and the hours are long, but leads and training is provided after you get your license. You can make $30,000 and up. If you have the right combination of motivation and talent, you can break six figures.

These are just a few examples. There are many other places to get started in sales. The challenge is that there are a lot of companies that I called "disposable salesman" companies. They will hire anyone and leave you to sink or swim, generally selling your friends and family before you go. These experiences sour many people on sales which is unfortunate.

If you are looking for a sales job, ask these questions:

Where will my leads/prospects come from?

What kind of training will I get?

How good is the product I'm selling? Can I stand behind it?

If the product is good and if they provide good training and a source of leads beyond your "natural market" then it's worth a shot. Most sales jobs for the inexperienced do not provide base pay. If the job provides a base pay, they can find someone with more experience than you to do it, but providing prospects and training is almost like base pay if you are willing to do the work.

Any skill could be a skill that could earn you a job.
Well, maybe not any skill.

Your Special Skills

Chances are that you are skilled at something, even if you don't think that is a marketable skill. I was talking to someone the other day who works at the Staples Copy Center for minimum wage and no benefits. She did not realize that the skills that she has learned in that job would qualify her for a better paying, full time job with a private print shop.

Chances are that you have some marketable skills that you do not realize are marketable. Do you know the difference between a Facebook group and a Facebook page? That makes you more knowledgeable about social media than 3/4 of the population, including business owners and political candidates. That's a skill that someone could pay for. Maybe not six figures, but a better job than flipping burgers.

Internships

The two keys to moving ahead in your career are experience and connections. Internships and other similar positions can get you both. If the position has anything to do with a field that interests you, or even if the position is drudgery but the organization is something that inspires you, take it. It is a first step towards getting what you want. The longest journey starts with a single step.

The most important think is realizing that you can do better. American does not have the opportunity for everyone that it once did. But it still has opportunity for individuals. I will make sure the Koalid finds the opportunities, and you should seek them as well.

Whitehouse Privilege

When I first heard the concept of privilege, I was skeptical. While the lack of a disadvantage is an advantage, the term privilege suggests that one has an unfair advantage, and I've never been completely convinced of that for myself. I have some advantages, but I have some disadvantages as well. The question of what privilege is and who has it is a long discussion for another day and another blog.

However, my intention is that when the Koalid grows up and someone suggests that she has some kind of "privilege" she will not be able to argue that she does not. It will be unambiguous that she has district advantages over other people that she may encounter.

My intention is to be like a coach preparing her for the game. Throughout the next 17 years and beyond, I intend to expose her to experiences, teach her skills, and provide her mentors that will provide advantages no matter what she wants to do.

Too many parents see their job as keeping their kid "out of trouble" until they leave the nest, then they can brush their hands off and say their work is done, anything that happens after is on the kid's head. I find that ridiculous. A child and later young adult is the product of their upbringing. I am not merely responsible for her childhood, but all outcomes afterwards. If I have prepared the Koalid well, she will have the tools that she needs to be successful in any endeavor that she chooses.

This and $2 will get you a cup of coffee.

However, it is important to focus on the right things. When I was young, I was told that I was "gifted" and that I had an obligation to use those gifts in the right way. Good so far. This was then used as a cudgel to hammer the point that I should get better grades than I was because I had "potential".

I have a great disdain for the system of schooling in our culture because it places great weight and emphasis on things that don't matter one little bit. Getting good grades is a matter of learning to play and win a certain kind of game. Unfortunately, most of the lessons learned in excelling in that game will not serve one well in the real world. I hope the Koalid does get good grades, but I am not terribly concerned as to whether she does or not except in how those grades can pave the road the further success.

This will get you a cup of coffee with
or without a good report card.

I care that she knows skills of human interaction like persuasion and empathy. I care that she learns literacy and numeracy. I care that she has a thirst for knowledge, a curiosity to learn more, and the wit to know where to find it. I care that she is ambitious and knows how to set and achieve goals. Many of these things can lead to better grades, but grades are not, in the final analysis, important. Preparation for life is important.

The Koalid will be prepared. She will be inspired. She will be privileged.

Love is 3:00 AM

If you watch romantic movies, you will see a certain kind of love. A kind of love that I knew for many years. It is the joy that is counterpoint to the pain of loss. You know that you love someone because of the pain when they are gone. That is a form of love, but it is also similar to addiction.

Since becoming a father, I have become intimately aware of a new kind of love. Not one based on my need to avoid loss, not one based on attraction, but love that comes of knowing that everything that I will ever do for the rest of my life will be for her.

Amy has been taking care of the Koalid at night for a few weeks now. The Koalid sleeps through the night, if you define the night as 8:30 PM to 3:00 AM. At 3:00 AM, the Koalid has woken up and so has Amy. The Koalid gets back to sleep, Amy does not.

This morning at 3:00, I got up with the Koalid. I changed her, fed her, cuddled with her and watched her fall back asleep. By 4:30, I knew that no more sleep was for me, and I took her to the living room. I fed her a bit more, and then she fell asleep in my arms as I watched Daredevil on Netflix until 6:00 AM as I write this.

If you asked me to get up at 3:00 AM before a full day of work for most other reasons, I would be upset. But for the Koalid, I would get up at 3:00 AM every day if that is what she needed. (Although hopefully Amy and I can switch off.)

Everything I know, everything I have, everything I do, is for this beautiful child so that she may grow to be happy and healthy and successful. If nothing else, the Koalid should never doubt that she is loved very much, not only by her sleepy father, but by many many others who care about her.

Say No To Drugs... For Kids

This comic has made me realize that I have extremely strong feelings about medication for children. Let me first clarify that I am not talking about children with significant mental illness for whom medication is necessary for proper functioning. I'm not talking about kids who are diagnosed bipolar or schizophrenic or with serious conditions like that. I am talking about otherwise healthy, energetic, distractable, creative kids who don't want to sit at a desk for 6 hours a day.

I shared this comic on Facebook with the caption "Don't kill Hobbes. Parents, say no to drugs." I got, as you might imagine, some responses. Some people agreed that drugs are bad. Others felt that they might be necessary at times.

One friend of mine said:

This is difficult for me to look at. We have spent the last 2 years as ADHD sufferers ourselves to try to teach every coping mechanism we can with our now 8 yr old. He has severe ADHD. He is at the point that he can't stay seated in a chair at all. After two years we're getting him evaluated for medication. The thought utterly terrifies me. The problem is that it is a spectrum. It isn't ironically black and white. When contemplating topics like this (or any) I find it best to leave enough wiggle room to contemplate so as not to be 100% on one side of the debate.

And this is a very valid point. He can't stay seated, so how can he function at school. This will affect his grades and future educational prospects.

Wait... why does an 8 year old need to stay seated? Could I stay calm when I was 8? I could if I was doing something engaging like playing a board game, but not so much for a boring class. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 20, but quite untreated at age 8. However this was not a problem because from age 7 to 11, I was attending Sudbury Valley School where I was not required to stay seated and absorb information for 6 hours a day.

I took about 50 hours of formal classes during the course of four years. How did that affect me academically. When I returned to public school, I was the age for grade 6, but academically could have advanced directly to grade 8. Of course, this begs the question of what schools are supposedly teaching during the four years I missed? Indeed, I learned organically everything that I would have been force fed during those years.

So, is this 8 year old the one with the problem, or is the school defective? Children have always learned by experience, through play and exploration. Only in the last 150 years have we sought to so regiment education for younger children. I suggest that the child does not need to be fixed with medication, the school should be fixed with common sense.

Immediately after, there was this comment.

It's easy to take a no-medication stand when it's not your kid. If it were your kid being threatened with expulsion, being held back, or special ed, you'd likely do everything possible to keep the child integrated in mainstream schooling. It's not just ADHD, either. There are kids out there on antidepressants and antipsychotics as well, and I guarantee you it's not because their parents were lazy or looking for an easy way out.

If the Koalid were being threatened with expulsion or being held back, I would remove her from the hostile and non-nurturing environment that created the problem. I understand that this is not an option for many people. They have multiple children or economic challenges that prevent doing so. But, for me, I know the damage that inappropriate education can cause, and, unfortunately, as more and more schools teach to the test, more and more school becomes inappropriate.

Had I been forced to stay in public school for those years, the best case scenario is that drugs and strict discipline would have defeated my creativity and energy. I never would have opened Phoenix Games. I never would have created Pi-Con or ConCardia or any of those things. Equally likely is that my energy and creativity would not have been stifled but would have instead gone to less wholesome activities. Pranks, rebellion, and other trouble could have resulted, causing long term effects to my educational prospects.

There are good mainstream schools. There are also winning lottery tickets. The problem is not the teachers, but the system and the politics which dominate and corrupt the system.

It is my absolute priority that the Koalid be educated in a way that will best prepare her for success, whatever that takes. While the answer to how to do that is evolving, I am confident that catch-all medication is not that answer.

Christian Love

I read something the other day that absolutely infuriated me. It is the story of a transexual teenager whose "Christian" parents were so condemning of her condition that she ended up committing suicide. You can read the details here.

This upset me for a number of reasons. Of course, now that I am a father, any tragedy involving a child hits home. More than that, I am always disgusted when I hear about people who call themselves Christians causing this kind of suffering, especially to their own children. The Bible is quite vague about many things, but one thing that Jesus is very clear about is that it is not man's place to judge. That is exclusively God's domain. It is man's place to have faith and to love one another.

In the article, it says that the mom stated that "God does not make mistakes." That is the most absurd logic. Let's forget that there are examples of God making errors in the Bible itself. The extension of that logic is that one should not seek medical treatment because God gave you the illness, so you should just deal with it. But she is right, God doesn't make mistakes. God made Leelah transexual, and God commanded Leelah's mother to love her.

People like that pick and choose what parts of the Bible to take literally, Most of them will not suggest stoning an adulterer or avoiding clothing of mixed fiber or even following kosher eating laws outlined in the Bible. Generally, these people use the Bible to condemn things they find icky. Homosexuality is icky and they don't like it, so it must be wrong. Shrimp is tasty, so that must be ok.

God commands above all things that we must love one another. Above all other things. If my daughter turns out to be gay, trans, otherkin, or otherwise, I will love and support her. If she has psychopathic tendencies, I will still love her and do everything I can for her. She will never feel alone and abandoned because some book says that some part of her is "wrong."

Being a good Christian is not difficult. The rules are easy: (1) Have Faith, (2) Love one another. Follow those two rules and you are pretty much there.

Historical Perspective

The Koalid was born in 2014, which means that she will have a very different perspective of history than I do. I was thinking a bit about what will seem like ancient history to her.

So, to make you and me both feel old, lets consider some relative historical perspective.

I was 11 when the Gulf War was fought.

The Gulf War was 23 years before she was born.

27 years before I was born, the Korean War ended.

Reagan was sworn in the year I was born, 34 years before she was born.

That means that to her, Reagan will be like Truman was to me.

The Vietnam War ended 39 years before she was born.

World War II ended 35 years before I was born.

Vietnam will be as distant to her as WWII was to me.

To her, both the Kennedy and Lincoln assassinations will be events that happened in previous centuries before her parents were born.

The rotary phone and the phone booth will be to her like the telegraph is to me.

She will grow up in a world where legal gay marriage is as well established as interracial marriage was when I grew up.

The last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation aired 20 years before she was born, meaning that to her, shows like Star Trek, Babylon 5, and Buffy will be like The Twilight Zone and Batman were to me.

My first car was from 1986, 18 years before she was born. 18 years before I was born, cars looked like this:

You may now feel old.

Early Connections

As I was approaching becoming a father, I was told that it would change my life, that I would know love as I had never known, that my daughter would be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. What I saw was a noisy, demanding, smelly thing that interfered with all aspects of life. While I loved the concept of my daughter, in the event, I wasn't a huge fan of the actual baby.

Then, she started to smile, and I started to see that there was the beginnings of a person in there. In the last few weeks, the Koalid has begun to engage. Not in dramatic ways. She still mostly just flails, but now she smiles when she sees someone she recognizes. She makes cooing and adorable gurgling sounds. She makes happy sounds when she gets attention and is clearly experimenting with communication.

You see, I have no experience with children. I have seen them now and then, but I have never watched a child grow up, so when I look at a squalling baby, I just see a squalling baby. Of course, it also did not help that at the same time as I was dealing with said squalling baby, I faced some of the worst financial stress of my life.

But, now, the finances are coming together, the baby is starting to become more of a person, and I'm starting to see a bit of what all the fuss is about.

Words Are Delicious - Changing the Plan

In previous posts, I have alluded to the fact that I was well aware that I was making some presumptions and that I knew I would have to eat some of those words when the rubber hit the road.

I do not understand work. I understand attention.
Pay attention to me. Do it now!

One of the my assertions was that it was a good idea to work from home and take care of the Koalid. This makes sense in an idealized world where a baby needs stuff, then goes back to sleep and a prolonged state of not needing stuff.

This is not how babies are in the real world. First, sometimes they need stuff more often than one might expect. Second, as they age, they discover more stuff that they need. At first, they just need to be fed and changed, but as the Koalid is coming up on three months, she is discovering the desire to be held, looked at, and to otherwise have my attention. Of course, I do not mind giving her my attention, but when that attention comes at the cost of being able to do the work I need to do, she will soon have my attention in a tent in which we live in the woods because we cannot afford to pay rent.

We are also finding that, surprisingly, Amy is more maternal than I. I love the Koalid, but I don't feel the sense of longing when I am away from her that Amy does. I also find that I am highly deficient in the discipline of breast feeding. My man boobs produce no milk. So, a plan that involves me staying home with the Koalid and trying (and mostly failing) to do consulting work while Amy works full time makes less and less sense.

You thought it would be a good idea to watch me and work?
I can't differentiate my hands from my feet, and I can tell
that's a sketchy proposition.

So, we are changing course in our plans to take care of the Koalid. It is not as important to avoid
being wrong as to recognize when one is wrong and to take all immediate steps to correct it. Through a combination of good luck and talent, I have been recruited for a new job which I expect will work out quite well for me. Of course, the Koalid will be in day care, as both Amy and I work, but if all goes well, Amy might be able to go to part time in the future and spend more time with the Koalid.

This all goes into action on Monday, and everyone is quite excited about it.